Yesterday I was thinking about buckets. And more specifically how to get the right amount in my work bucket and the right amount in my life bucket. The not very amazing revelation that I only have a certain amount to give and need to decide where to put my efforts has been on my mind. It came into focus yesterday on my first day back at work after being off sick and trying to decide when I had done enough work. My 'normal' mind tells me that I should work at least an 8 hour day. That there is always more to be done. That sometimes that involves working through lunch and regularly involves even longer days. So in these situations work gets 8 hours and I get the other 16, with half of those being asleep. The challenge at the moment is that I don't feel like I can give 8 hours to work, I'm fit, but I'm not match fit. I'm a bit rusty, i'm just coming back from an injury and I should be used sparingly as a substitute until I'm better. The dawning realisation that I'm not ill enough to be off work but I'm not yet back to match fitness has been an interesting one. It's helped me rationalise things and it's helped me feel more comfortable with working a shorter day, or not tackling the trickier tasks which I would normally do.
So the message from this ramble. Be kind to yourself. Be comfortable that you might not be able to do the things you normally do if you are feeling unwell or are working back towards being match fit. We wouldn't expect our broken arm to be better as soon as we are able to be back at work, we'd take things easier and not push it. Why do we think our minds can recover just like that? We need to give ourselves the time, but most importantly need to be comfortable with doing that. Accept that sometimes you can't put the 8 hours into the work bucket and you need to put a bit more into the life one. it's all about balance, but also all about acceptance. Take Care Paul
0 Comments
This week I’ve been off sick. Not physically sick, but mentally sick. I haven’t felt well enough to work. It started manifesting itself last Friday when I wrote my last blog and had spent the whole day suffering from a bad case of presenteeism, when I was at work but I should have not been. I was ineffective, inefficient and a waste of works electricity. I’ve written about presenteeism before and how the absences that we record from work are the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the impact of mental health, and that presenteeism is somewhere around 4 times the cost of absenteeism. We record absenteeism, but we don’t record presenteeism. How many other people were at work last Friday when they shouldn’t have been. I’m going to ask for mine to be recorded when I get back to work. So…. I had a shit Friday, but got through the weekend focussing on my kids and on a night out with an old mate. But then Monday morning came…. I just couldn’t bear the thought of going to work. I felt useless, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to make decisions, to achieve anything or to add any value. And couldn’t bear the idea of another day like ‘present’ Friday. So I called in sick. I ended up having four days off. I’ve never had more than a day off for mental health before. I do loads at work to promote people taking time off, for mental health to be on a par with physical health and to try and break down some of the stigma. But oh my god I felt so guilty all week.
Today I can feel the tears in my eyes but they won’t quite roll down my cheeks
Today I am sat at my desk unable to concentrate Today I feel useless, worse than a failure, I don’t see my value Today the darkness has crept up on me Today I am scared to be alone Today my gremlins are in charge of my thoughts Today they have filtered out any of the good and only let through the bad Today I question myself why I bother, why I care, why I try so hard Today I am not kind to myself, I know it but it still happens Today I need a hug, some company, not to be sat surrounded by empty chairs Today I could just drive with no destination Today I feel trapped, unable to break the downward spiral Today my chest pounds and my stomach flutters but I don’t know why Today I am a waste of space, I should go home but there is only silence there Today I just want to eat badly, drink too much and find the comfort Today catastrophising is my default, there is no hope Today I miss love, someone who is there Today I feel so much but I also feel empty Today I compare myself to others too much Today I just want to listen to others so I don’t have to listen to myself Today my confidence has drained away, the plug pulled out Today self worth is an all time low, I contribute nothing, only take and burden Today I miss friends, laughter and understanding Today I hold my head in my hands and stare unable to take action Today remote working and its flexibility are my enemy not my friend Today reminds me why I used to self harm, to feel something, to feel anything Today I feel like I am failing, failing people, failing work, failing myself Today my only solace comes in my words, my view is a lonely one Today I could crawl back under the covers, but I know sleep will not come Today the lights have been switched off, the blue sky does not seem so blue Today my black dog is in charge and he will not leave my side Today is a long day
So I decided that one way to help bring about the change is to pull together stories from colleagues so it's not just me boring people (i'm not suggesting my colleagues are boring of course). The result looks like this. It's a load of individual stories from people that people will know. The type of stories that will make them say 'oh I never knew that' or 'thanks for sharing that was really interesting' and maybe even 'oh my god, i'm like that too.' Talking and sharing stories is so important:
Lived experience leadership is central to breaking the stigma and people with experience of mental health challenges play a key role. So that’s the document will be helpful with work colleagues sharing the challenges of mental health. It's important to show that it’s ok to talk about mental health regardless of your place in the organisation and career progression isn’t affected. Unfortunately this is the area I have struggled most with. I've approached people for their stories because invariably they have shared with me when I was open. Sharing creates sharing, it's amazing. But I don't know of many senior leaders who have had struggles. This may be because they don't want to share, that there is a stigma amongst leaders of sharing or perhaps none of them have had any struggles. But let's face it, it's unlikely to be the latter because all of our leaders are people, so I guess it must be stigma related. It is inspirational and gives hope that things can improve if you can read one of your colleagues stories. Could it be even more powerful if we could get more of our leaders to share? If we hope to normalise mental health conditions then we need to show that it can affect anyone, regardless or your experience, seniority or grade.
|
AuthorMr Paul Wyse Archives
January 2021
|