I can't wait for 2019 to be over. It's been a(nother) shit year.
It's been another year where I have questioned who I am, what value I add and why I bother to try so hard. It's been a year of snakes and ladders. I think i'm doing better and doing well then i tread on another snake and go sliding back down again. It's also been a year of project 'I told you so'. Lots of the things I have been saying for a long time that I think need to happen (at work) have started to happen, this is of course good, but still makes me feel that I'm not valued as I was on the right path but struggled to be listened to, or not listened to enough. Work has a huge impact on my mental health. It's more than a job for me, it's a representation and a reflection of who I am, what I do, what my values are and what I deliver is my legacy, if that's not too grand and conceited a word to use. Valuing those who think differently, work differently, even behave differently is really important. Perhaps changing how (and how often) we value those who (like me) have very low self worth is really important too. Sometimes (usually / often) the people who think differently, who can't help but be passionate in meetings (perhaps over passionate) have value to add but sometimes (usually / often) they can find it hard for their voice to be heard, or the way they make their voice heard can be misinterpreted or shut down. I'm rambling now I know, but you can probably tell this has happened a lot to me in 2019.
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It's 22.50 and after unsuccessfully laying in bed for half an hour overthinking i'm now laying on the living room floor flouting all DSE assessment rules typing this.
I'm not in a good place today. I was until this afternoon when circumstances at work made my anxiety go 'crazy' and now I am overthinking, catastrophising and analysing everything in minute detail. I genuinely believe I am a good person and the things I do are with good intent. But I can be and have been misunderstood because of how I have sometimes delivered my message. I can be blunt, I can be direct, I can be sarcastic and I openly admit to that but I never ever try and hurt people. I can get this wrong and it makes me feel terrible, really terrible. And right now it is making me catastrophise, a lot. It is making me over harshly judge myself. Evening time and nighttime is hardest for me. I live alone (apart from with my thoughts) and this the time they start to spiral, the time they start to scare me and the time I feel most lonely. I have come to the following conclusions:
That's a tough mindset to be in at 23.05. At this moment I can't see positives At this moment I really want to cry but I can't At this moment my mind feels foggy At this moment I can't feel anything apart from the anxious churn in my stomach At this moment I am surviving not thriving I'm trying so hard everyday to be the best me I can be Why do i get it so wrong Why am I so useless What is my point |
AuthorMr Paul Wyse Archives
January 2021
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