I've dithered about whether to post this or not because I suspect / fear that some people may take it the wrong way and think I am a bad loser, which I'm not. I just don't see the point of writing a blog about my mental health if I can't be honest about it and help people understand how I tick, even if I'm ticking out of time on a day when I 'should' be happy. Make sense, probably not but you'll have to read on now....... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I’m on my way back from Derby, during the day and I’m feeling blue. I have the derby day blues. I’ve been at my company's annual awards ceremony, which is an excellent day celebrating a whole host of amazing work by teams and individuals across the country. I was shortlisted this year for an award because of my work on Mental Health. Great huh. Top 3 out of 74 nominations. Definitely on the podium. So why do I feel so blue….. Well, like last year (when shortlisted for a different award) I lost. My certificate says I was a runner up but my mind doesn’t do runner up, it does win / succeed or fail. So today, like last year I failed. I really hoped I would win as it would have given me a much needed boost (other people thinking I’m of value) but now I haven’t won it’s knocked me some more. Strange isn’t it. I’m not ungrateful, my mind just doesn’t do runner up. We’ve all seen sportspeople at finals not even wear their runners up medal, because in their eyes like mine, they lost. I’m competitive, but mostly with myself. But the thing that makes my mind focus on the negative and see every non win as therefore a failure is depression. It means I am naturally self-critical. I started the day feeling a little bit better about myself as the organisation had validated me and now I feel shit because I've got to validate myself now. Can you imagine how exhausting this is to live with? Perfection is what I naturally strive for, runner up is not perfection so therefore its failure. I’m more inadequate now than I was this morning. I’ll never be good enough to succeed. I jotted some words down in case I did win, because the old anxiety means I don’t cope well with uncertainty (speaking off the cuff) so having something to read would have helped. I didn’t get a chance to read them out so will share them here....
I'm not a bad loser, genuinely. The person who won did some fantastic work and thoroughly deserved to win. This failure is mine to own, no one else's. I just need to work out how to re-wire my brains flowchart..... I’m now off home alone to mull over my failure some more. Nothing like a evening with your own thoughts to cheer you up.
Take care Paul
4 Comments
Sheena McLean
5/8/2019 11:29:11 am
Paul, in my eyes you are not a loser! I applaud your courage and I see you as an inspiration on my journey through my mental health issues. You deserved all the praise and applause today.
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5/9/2019 01:28:14 am
I’ll write here that you deserve the praise and recognition you've received, and that you’re worthy and valuable and valid. You are all of these things. I see you, I read you, I hear you. You are seen, heard and valued.
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Johnny Lyttle
5/9/2019 02:31:08 pm
Don't worry, this doesn't come across as a bad-loser article at all. Perfectly clear what you mean.
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Louise
5/10/2019 02:07:38 am
I'm applauding from Bristol. You're a hero x
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AuthorMr Paul Wyse Archives
January 2021
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