I wrapped my kids Christmas presents last night and have an aching back now from sitting cross legged for such a long time. I'm not sure yoga is going to be a 2018 resolution.
They have a ridiculous number of presents from me.
And that’s because I have a little problem. I like giving gifts. I might be an over giver.
In the past it’s been based on self-esteem, which many have been for me and a twisted fear of people not liking me for who I am, and feeling like I need to be the best person I can be.
It’s been based around trying to be perfect.
It’s based around finding it soooooo bloody hard to say no to people’s requests for my time, to my need to see something I think someone will like and buy it.
And whilst it can be nice, I recognise that it can also be over the top.
It’s something I’m working on tempering.
I know people like me. I know some people love me,
I know I can’t be perfect, that it’s not actually possible and striving to be so does me no good.
And I know I can say no.
But I am thoughtful, it’s just who I am. I like, no love, making other people happy.
Being thoughtful is good, it’s nice, it’s a lovely quality.
It doesn’t define me, but it’s part of me. And whilst it can of course make me feel good, it’s not why I do it.
I recognise how the tendency to over giving can result from depressive thinking and how it could make my mood down. It has been easy for me in the past to think “I will be a better person and you will love me more if I give this to you”.
But now I am thinking “I love you and feel loved by you, and therefore, I will give this to you”.
There’s a big difference. I give because I want to, not because I need something back.
So if you’re ‘lucky’ enough to get a gift from me it will be thoughtful, might have been agonised over and I will have put a lot of care into choosing it, or in some cases making it.
When I want you to have a happy Christmas or a happy birthday, or just a happy Tuesday because it should be then I really mean it.
It makes me happy to make you happy.
So we’re all happy then. And that’s good isn't it.
Take Care Paul
Mr Paul Wyse