I try and write about how I feel or how I think and hope that it resonates with others, either because they feel or think similar, know someone who does or maybe know little about my chosen rambles.
So today I thought I’d write about my Grand Old Duke of York feelings.
“When they were up they were up
And when they were down they were down
And when they were nearly half way up they were neither up nor down”
I’m rarely half way up. I flip between up or down.
When I’m up I’m really up. Positive, enthusiastic, full of energy.
The challenge I face is that it I can suddenly go down a snake and then be down, sometimes for no apparent external reason, but rather because my mind has suddenly just flipped and decided that I’m not actually a good person, an intelligent person, a kind person, good company etc.
This can happen in an instant. It might not happen at all. It might happen every few days.
It happened on Monday evening in the pub. I was having a great, funny, entertaining conversation with 2 work mates. All of a sudden I noticed myself going quiet, engaging less in the conversation, focussing more on my phone than the people.
I can’t put my finger on why, I just know it happened. Something inside said to me something like ‘these people think you’re too loud, too silly, too direct’.
I hate it when that happens, but I’m getting better at spotting when it does or might so that I can correct my behaviour, or consciously decide that actually it’s alright to be myself but just to keep an eye on how being me might affect others, but don’t overthink it.
I guess what I’m really worried about is perception by others because my self belief and self worth is still low and I’m trying to build it back up.
So there are 3 choices.
I’m choosing 3.
3 is after all the magic number.
Take care and realise you have a choice
Mr Paul Wyse