I was with my team earlier this week and we had a really good constructive meeting.
We start our meetings with check ins, to see how we all are, at work, at home, physically and mentally. This is really important because we probably only see each other once a month at most and whilst a virtual hug is nice, nothing beats the real thing....
Going round the table listening to how people are, hearing a colleague talk about how they'd been wearing a mask quite a bit recently (i assume this is where the expression 'putting on a brave face' really comes from) and admiring the openness with which people are able to and can share is inspiring.
One thing that was evident was that everyone has some chips, some have some cracks, some have been repaired or pieced back together, but i described myself as broken.
I'd never used that word to describe how I felt before. I broke a rib once. I broke my nose on a bouncy castle, but never have I 'felt' broken.
I'm not in pieces, I just feel like who I am has taken a real bashing recently and that relentless pressure combined with not enough time to maintain or build resilience has resulted in this feeling, And the feeling is pretty horrible. On the outside I'm still whole, still working, still delivering, still caring, still dading but on the inside, the inside of my head I'm not really sure who I am.
Challenges to the core of who I am are really hard to take and have affected me a lot. I don't want to feel broken, I'm just not really sure how to fix myself or at least put all the pieces of the jigsaw the right way up so that I can see the picture.
We looked at this picture in the meeting.
A lot of us were on the right hand side.
I'm not really sure where broken fits, maybe it's fuzzy mind. But it's kind of like your own belief in who you are and what you are good at and why you add value has been smashed. And when that gets smashed and is broken it's hard to feel anything apart from confused and empty and alone.
Mr Paul Wyse