It's 22.50 and after unsuccessfully laying in bed for half an hour overthinking i'm now laying on the living room floor flouting all DSE assessment rules typing this.
I'm not in a good place today. I was until this afternoon when circumstances at work made my anxiety go 'crazy' and now I am overthinking, catastrophising and analysing everything in minute detail.
I genuinely believe I am a good person and the things I do are with good intent. But I can be and have been misunderstood because of how I have sometimes delivered my message. I can be blunt, I can be direct, I can be sarcastic and I openly admit to that but I never ever try and hurt people. I can get this wrong and it makes me feel terrible, really terrible.
And right now it is making me catastrophise, a lot. It is making me over harshly judge myself.
Evening time and nighttime is hardest for me. I live alone (apart from with my thoughts) and this the time they start to spiral, the time they start to scare me and the time I feel most lonely.
I have come to the following conclusions:
That's a tough mindset to be in at 23.05.
At this moment I can't see positives
At this moment I really want to cry but I can't
At this moment my mind feels foggy
At this moment I can't feel anything apart from the anxious churn in my stomach
At this moment I am surviving not thriving
I'm trying so hard everyday to be the best me I can be
Why do i get it so wrong
Why am I so useless
What is my point
Mr Paul Wyse