Today I spoke to someone about someone they were worried about. The second someone wasn’t seeking or using the help that was on offer. We wondered why.
I then remembered that realising and accepting that you have a mental health problem is an ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE STEP. It’s a massive step to accept things when you’re thinking straight but it’s even harder when you’re not, and I’ve blogged before a few times about anxiety and it’s impact on your pre frontal cortex (the decision making part of your brain).
So why won’t they accept the help?
Well I’m not them so I don’t know but perhaps they aren’t thinking straight, perhaps everything feels overwhelming even picking up the phone to talk to someone, perhaps they feel that because of the stigma of mental health illness (remember it’s an illness) means that they feel useless, shame, guilt and a host of other emotions that the simple act of picking up the phone and talk to someone is too big.
A friend told me that when they shared at work about depression that it was a bigger step than when they came out. Saying this stuff is BIG.
So how can we help people accept that they might need help?
And importantly we can try and help people build their personal resilience so they feel more able to make that massive step.
Imagine you can’t dance, have never danced and can’t think of anything worse than going and dancing in front of someone you don’t know. Perhaps you're on Strictly. Feels scarey, makes you feel anxious. Ok well then just ring the helpline. There’s help out there. Off you go. Make that massive step. 'Now messing up the Argentinian tango with Flavia is....'
Now imagine you have to do that dance but you’ve spent some time beforehand building your confidence, working to reduce your anxiety, understanding that uncertainty about what might happen is normal and is ok, realising that the catastrophe you think might happen will very likely not, taking some time off to relax, doing some exercise, writing a diary about your thoughts etc. Is it a bit easier to make the step, when you feel a bit more resilient, a bit more in charge?
Ok so you don’t like dancing so perhaps it’s a big sports match, you’ve been thrown in the deep end, you’re taking a penalty, you’ve not practiced enough, your mind isn’t in the right place, it’s bloody hard, you feel so much pressure, you’re worried about being viewed as a failure. But with practice, and coaching, and healthly living and a host of other things you can do it. It’s still scary but you can do it.
It’s essential for recovery that you do accept you have a challenge to overcome and that you might need help.
Enabling yourself to make that huge acceptance step by being kind to yourself, taking care or yourself and giving your anxious / depressed / insert other condition here brain a rest is just as important.
So if you’re struggling, maybe try being kind to yourself first and build up to that step.
If you know someone who is struggling help them by guiding them to build their resilience so they can make that step.
Some will find it easy, like the dance, some will find it hard. Saying the words out loud that you have a challenge and need some help is massive.
Appreciate and understand that, be kind to yourself and be kind to others, maybe try some stuff in the wheel below.
This weekend, much to my embarrassment I was subject to an Ebay scam.
I bought or thought I bought a nice VW Transporter van on Ebay. It was the dream van. It cost me £20,000. I was all ready to take the kids away for a weekend. I even paid the fucker £100 extra to deliver it.
It was a very clever scam, I mean I’m super intelligent and I fell for it (more details are available on request). But I do feel a tit and a much poorer one now.
I waited in all of Sunday. He didn’t arrive. I even bought insurance for it, but fortunately they waved the £25 cancellation fee 12 hours later.
As Tears for Fears said “Shout shout let it all out….” But I didn’t want to, and I still don’t want to, which is a bit weird, but I think is strange but demonstrates how far I’ve come in my MH journey (cue Coldplay music, that one about clocks probably that they always play on X factor when someone talks about their journey, metaphorically, not in a transport sense).
The bank have said I probably won’t get the money back. That’s a bit of an arse, but it’s not the end of the world.
It does shows how far I’ve come. I'm quite impressed with myself to be honest.
I could be really worried. I could be really anxious. I could be really fearful. I could go mad, punch walls and be really frustrated.
I spoke to my best friend. She was worried I was going to punch walls. But the walls were safe, as am I. I don't punch walls anymore.
There’s little point being frustrated, worrying about the past or fretting about the future. What’s the point? Some things in life are shit, they just things are. I’m ok, no one died or got hurt. Everyone is ok, apart from my bank account.
In the present, in this moment, I’m ok. The people I love and care about are ok. So to be honest that’s all that really matters.
I could live in a tent with the people I love with nothing of any material value and I’d be ok. It’s people that matter. It’s health that matters. It’s relationships that matter. It’s memories. It’s holding hands. It’s staying up late talking. It’s playing Bananagrams till the small hours.
Things are, well things. People matter.
Don’t sweat the small stuff, even if it’s expensive. Value the people. Value yourself.
And if you find yourself in times of trouble, let it be.
Take care (and be careful on e bay)
On Friday I was Inspired.
Inspired by the growth of a community who support one another, a community who offer a safe space to talk and to share, a community of honesty, compassion, empathy, time, understanding and friendship.
On Friday I met with colleagues who are struggling with, have experience of or were interested in finding out more about mental health.
We held our first mental health umconference at work. Around 100 attended the day in Bristol from as far away as Preston and Cornwall. Unconferencibg is about setting the agenda on the day about subjects people want to talk about, and helps people find their tribe. Essential for this sort of event. I was a little worried, or anxious even that we might not get enough content, but boy was I wrong. Around 20 sessions were pitched and resonated with those in the audience.
I didn’t attend any of these as I was busy making sure the event ran, but feedback so far has suggested they worked really well.
The biggest success of the day for me was the sharing at the start. First video messages from our senior leaders including about manic depression, the importance of talking and the impacts of suicide.
Then stood on a small stage, watched by 100 people with more hanging over the balconies above, 8 people shared their mental health story. Introversion, breakdowns, supporting others, trying to be superwoman, depression and bi polar.
These stories touched people. They made them realise they are not alone. They built courage. They built understanding. They were incredible.
A special mention to Jason who had told me he would find sharing hard. Visibly shaking as he shared the impact bi polar has had and continues to have on his life, we had agreed I would leave him to wobble, and compose himself, and compose himself he did.
If you don’t understand or believe about the impacts of mental health talk to someone who has struggled, talk to me, talk to Jason, or Nev, Helen, Estelle, Betsy, Clare, Kevin or any of the 100 people who were there.
I heard there were a few complaints about the noise we made (sorry about that but we need to be heard) and also heard someone say they were sorry they couldn’t come down and play with us.
I walked away from that conversation as they pushed my buttons with a poorly chosen word. I hope they reflected and I'd be happy to talk to them or anyone about the realities.
What I should have said is “We were not playing, poor mental health is not fun, it’s not a game, it’s a real thing, it’s a disability, it keeps you up all night, it stops you doing things in the day, it ruins lives, families, jobs, relationships, it makes you hurt yourself, it kills people. It’s definitely not playing.”
We've still got a lot of work to do and the more people that share the better understanding will get.
Aside from the pride I felt watching people talk, share and open up, amongst many favourite moments I had one favourite.
The evening before I met Jason and Stephen for the first time ever. We went for a drink and a curry.
Three men, all of a similar age, sat talking openly about feelings, about tears, about challenges and about the strength to be drawn from being open. The strength to be drawn from talking.
Three men, in a pub, then a curry house talking about mental health, not whispering but talking. We might have even got a little bit loud after the 3rd or 4th pint.
We’re making real progress.
This week I worked a 13 hour day on Tuesday, then a 14 hour day on Wednesday. I had no lunch breaks on either.
I’m not condoning this, but wanted to explore why I did it, partly because I wanted to understand and partly because I was challenged today about it and told ‘it was you who chose to do it….’.
Tuesday was prepping for a last minute meeting I had been invited to on the Wednesday.
It was a really important meeting, full of people with influence, who I have been trying to influence to do things differently. It was ‘too good an opportunity to miss’.
I did the ‘day job’ stuff then worked on a presentation after 5pm. I like presenting, and I like presenting with pictures to make it more engaging, so it took a little while.
Wednesday was a 5.40 am train to Leeds (a 4 hour train journey). The meeting went well, I caught up with some other people and ended up sleepily walking back into my house at nearly 8pm.
So why did I do it? Why did I chose to do it? Why did I chose to be physically and mentally exhausted?
I think it’s a number of things:
But I think the real reason, or root cause of why I chose to do it is linked to anxiety and depression.
I’ve written before about when you are anxious it can affect the part of your brain responsible for your decision making https://wysethoughts.weebly.com/home/lost-in-a-maze-of-my-own-making
So maybe I wasn’t thinking straight?
Depression can also make you feel:
So I think that I chose to work these ridiculous days because of depression because it would make me feel better than if I didn’t go.
Was that the right decision?
Was I thinking straight when I decided?
So my mind was thinking straighter the next day because I took the afternoon off on leave. Well I didn’t really, I started my leave at 2pm, made 3 work phone calls and sent a number of e mails from my work phone.
So why did I do that. Again it’s linked to mental health.
I am on an assignment doing a job I love and don’t want to go back to my old job, so I’m trying to impress by delivering, by delivering a lot.
I am suffering from presenteeism, that’s coming into work when you’re ill. I bet you’ve done it.
I also suffer from leavism, that’s working when you’re on leave.
Neither are good. But both happen.
‘Presenteeism’, or people coming into work when they are ill, has more than tripled since 2010, according to the latest CIPD/Simplyhealth Health and Well-being at Work survey.
CIPD/Simply Health also say “In order to encourage a healthy workplace, organisations need to look beyond sickness absence rates alone and develop a solid, evidence-based understanding of the underlying causes of work-related stress and unhealthy behaviour like presenteeism. Without this evidence base, efforts to support employees and improve their health and well-being will be short-lived.”
We know being present and mindful is good for us, but being always present at work isn’t.
If you need a break have one.
If you’re on a break then have the break.
And understand that if you feel guilty, anxious, self loathing that’s your depression speaking, not you.
Self esteem, confidence, belief, resilience. Just words right? If only.
As the terrible 90’s rock band Extreme would say ‘They’re more than words’. They’re thoughts, things you can think define you, impossible mountains to climb, un swimmable rivers to cross and a place you think you might never reach.
But you can.
And you will.
One small step at a time.
I had a bank holiday weekend of confidence. Some my confidence. Some my sons.
First my 9 year old went down a water slide he’d never been down before. I could see he was worried going up the steps, it took a lot of encouraging to get him up them. But he did it and he loved it.
He made me super proud. He was proud of himself. Up to the top of the slide. One step at a time.
I had a safety harness and was attached to a line. It helped, but I still had to take the steps.
If the steps seem too scary can you get a safety harness, is it a friend, a professional, medication, meditation, exercise or something else. There are lots of safety harnesses out there.
Take care, take a step
I was on holiday last week and when on holiday I got a chance to read, which doesn't happen very often.
My book of choice, picked up in the buy one get one half price section of WH Smiths was this.
Now whether you like Mr Brand or not doesn't really matter because I want to talk about addiction, and more accurately what a revelation reading this book was for me.
I have decided or concluded that I am an addict.
And like Robert Palmer I am addicted to love.
I feel a bit of a prat saying this, but there are worse things to be addicted to, but being addicted to anything is not good. Just ask Mr Creosote about his Wafer Thin Mint habit....
Russell has struggled with a variety of addictions, many of which it seems from his musings have their roots in low self esteem and using something (sex, drugs, overuse of long words) to distract himself from how he actually feels.
This was a good book. Did I mention that? It's based on the 12 steps that Alcoholics Anonymous use but can be used for any addiction.
I did some googling to understand more about love addiction and this is what it told me.
Well I don't have all of those, but a good few of them ring true. But I'm not a stalker.
I wondered why I have this and did some more googling.
So what to do I thought.
Well after quickly discounting the £5000 option of a week in the Priory I decided that I've probably done the most important thing in recognising what anxiety and low self esteem does, or did to me. Recognition and acceptance that you either have flaws or had them is important. It helps rationalise why you were how you were or why you are how you are. And also recognise that everyone has their challenges and you're not actually that bad.
At the core of this is me needing validation from others, and it's not just in relationships, it's in general life. If I send you a birthday card or gift I struggle to be content that what I've done is ok or good and can easily take offence if the recipient doesn't notice. It's daft really. I know I'm generally a good guy so why do I need others to tell me that I am, why can't I just know that and have that inner strength and confidence within me.
I've given social media a holiday recently because I was becoming more aware how much I checked each hilarious thing I shared to see who liked it, or if certain people liked it. And if I thought it was hilarious, isn't that enough? Do I really need others to validate me?
People pleasing is the other manifestation of the need to feel validated. It can be hard to know who you are, what you like or even what you think if you are always trying to think about the other person's opinions or feelings. It's exhausting too, because every time you feel like you've upset someone or you have even disagreed with them you can have a massive feeling of guilt and shame and fear of rejection or abandonment (but I've already blogged about my Catholic upbringing).
I will be seeking less validation and will empathise with myself more. I will be not 'having' to tell people how i'm hurt, what i've achieved or how i've helped them. What I feel is what I feel. But I do need to feel more of the positivity about what I do and give myself a break, give myself some credit and accept and realise that just because someone hasn't told me they love me for a long time doesn't mean I am unloved or unlovable.
Others don't define me.
"I am who I am.
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook or the ovation"
My gremlin is in full power mode at the moment, he’s been soaked in water, seen too much sunlight and also whatever the other thing was that makes him turn bad.
When he gets like that he eats away at my insides until he finds a button to keep pressing, one attached to my stomach churning, my mind over thinking and my general sense of dread.
I think a lot about the future. It doesn’t look very positive for me. I’m filtering out all the good possibilities, love, pride, laughter, friendship, achievement, worth and replacing them all with their opposites.
It’s a bit like two face in Batman I suppose. A constant battle. You can supress the gremlins for so long, but you just know they’ll get wet again.
It scares and worries me how much little I like myself. How hard it is I find it to look at that man in the mirror and be happy, or even accepting of who looks back.
Negative self image is horrible. It’s like a loose connection. Unfortunately re wiring takes a long time and a lot of effort, and I like many of my friends who are suffering feel like I’ve lost my mojo.
The only place I’m really honest is when i write on here, it’s somehow ok to share here and be ok with it. I think maybe I have a stigma against mental health myself, which is why it makes it hard to talk about it sometimes. I apologise to people because I think I’ve bored them with my mental health chat before. I stop myself pushing as far as I’d like because I’m worried I’m going to be branded as interfering.
But it’s not. And even if it is then it’s good to do. Because this stuff is real. It’s real thoughts, feelings and emotions running round my head now. It was real at 3am this morning when I was awake for an hour thinking about my relationship with my best friend.
I wish I could find the off switch.
This weekend there were a number of Pride events happening. LGBT events, Black pride events.
These events are excellent, people celebrate who they are, people support those celebrating who they are, people are proud.
These events help break down stigmas, allow people to celebrate and also raise awareness and educate others. Looking at how far the LGBT understanding, awareness, acceptance has come over the last 10 years is incredible.
It got me thinking about whether we are also proud of who we are mentally and celebrate this?
A quick google search of 'Mental Health Work of Pride' found some results from Australia, but that was about it.
I have a ribbon on my work lanyard about mental health. I've 'even' got a sticker on my laptop (but i'm still a bit worried about being told off about that), I blog here and bore whoever I meet by talking about it.
But do I have pride in who I am? Do you?
How would I feel about walking down a street with a banner? How would you feel?
Would people 'understand' what I was walking for?
Would a MH Pride event get the interest / coverage?
I think it's a good idea and something to think about.
What do you think?
Take care - be proud of who you are, whoever you are
I'm doing a 26 mile walk on Saturday for MacMillan.
If you've ever got anything from my blogs and you can spare a fiver would you be able to sponsor me
I've already raised enough to pay for a MacMillan Nurse for a week which is amazing, but I'd love to raise a little more.
I was thinking yesterday that we are very good at managing exposure to certain health & safety risks, but more often than not these are the physical ones, like for example when people use vibrating hand tools at work (I'm not being rude here but it did make me laugh), or drive for a long time.
How do we get our exposure to the contributors to mental health conditions noticed, recorded and acknowledged in the same way?
I've spoken to a lot of people recently who sound like they are close to burn out, under enormous pressure and clearly stressed and suffering - do we spot this, do we know it, how can we prevent it.
If we are doing some work with a vibrating tool and need to finish it by the end of the day but have reached safe exposure levels we stop. If we need to get something somewhere in a truck but we've reached safe driving time we stop.
Do we do the same with our minds?
Answers on a postcard please
Take Care, have a good day, sending you positive vibes
Mr Paul Wyse