It’s my birthday today (well not today, actually 2 weeks ago), which I’ve only just found out was also Robin Williams birthday. I despise my birthday. It makes my sad mind reflect on how lonely and shit I feel (or more accurately think) my life is. I also hate getting older and why the birthday card industry seems to specialise in ‘hilarious’ you’re so old cards is beyond me. I know deep down there are many good things in my life but my overwhelming thought pattern is not to see or acknowledge these. It is just how my mind is wired. I do things to try and change it but it is not as simple as ‘just thinking positive’ or ‘looking on the bright side’ or unfortunately ‘having a Happy birthday’.
I appreciate good wishes. I really do. And I’m not posting this looking for any acknowledgement, sympathy or support, I just wanted to get it out of my mind. Because that helps me. I feel immense pressure to have a great day today. To be happy. To be full of the birthday spirit. I feel anything but and the expectation makes me feel more of a failure than I already do. I would rather stay in bed till the day is over. That is my reality on birthdays and I hate it. I hate the feeling and I hate not feeling appreciative of good wishes. I’ve seen my boys today and Nat is doing a great job at doing nice things. But I just hate birthdays. It’s that simple. Because I don’t particularly like or value myself so being able to feel that it is ‘my day’ that I deserve cards, gifts or even good wishes is really really hard. Isolating doesn’t make it easier. But I’d still feel like this whether we were or not. This is what depression feels like for me. And for some reason it is magnified even more on birthdays and Christmas when the norm is to be happier. I wish it wasn’t. I really do. But that’s how it is. And it’s shit and exhausting. Is it ok to be not ok. On this day? (Don’t answer that) Take Care Paul
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It’s evenings like these when loneliness and how shit things are hits me hard.
I’m in a hotel. A lovely hotel. Laying on my lovely bed on my own. I rarely feel more lonely than I do at these times. I have tears in the corner of my eyes but they can’t even be bothered to reach my cheeks. I feel useless and a failure. I am destined to spend life alone. I’m not loved, not of value, what I have to offer is worth so little it may as well not even be there. It is these times that despite feeling everything I can’t cope with the emotional feeling, I just want and need a hug, someone to tell me it will all be ok. I just want arms wrapped around me, saying the right things, stroking my hair, holding me tight. Instead I am tempted by the scissors in my wash bag, just a little cut on my arm to make me feel something real. To turn the emotional pain into physical, into something I can cope with and rationalise and understand. I’m resisting so far but it’s so hard, keeping the pain inside, not letting it out. It hurts so much. I hate myself more when I am like this, which does nothing to help me resist self harming. I’ve had the mask on all day again, I’ve tried to be good, nice, kind, clever, professional, funny, silly but it’s never enough. Never ever enough I will never be enough. Not for me. Not for anyone. This is every day. This is life. I have a really good friend who struggles. Who doesn’t wear rose tinted glasses when she looks at herself. In fact quite the opposite. She like many of us cannot see what others who look at her can see. When she looks in the mirror I suspect it’s like the ‘funny’ mirrors at the fair. She doesn’t see her strength, her kindness, her humour, her intelligence, her friendship, her fitness, her parenting, her plate spinning, her beauty. She sees big hands and squishy bellies that aren’t there, she sees unmade beds and flaws where others do not. So deeply engrained is this view that compliments wash off her not even getting a chance to stick. She will feel uncomfortable reading nice words.
I am saving up to pay for her to have laser eye surgery, so she can see what we see when she looks in the mirror. I may also get ear implants for her so she hears the positive and the molecule of negative is no longer amplified so loudly. Because I really want her to see and to hear. Because she needs to. I hope one day she will. But I know it's not easy. Take Care Paul I’ve had a day off today. A day to myself which would be fine if I didn’t already have lots of days to myself.
I was supposed to see a friend but he wasn’t up to it (his anxiety to blame) so I spent the day alone. I was also supposed to have a catch up with another friend on the phone later, but she didn’t sleep well so the evening will be alone too. I’ve spoken less than thirty words today, maybe I should go on a sponsored silence. On a positive note I have had a very positive day, if you just look at the content of the words spoken Post office words “2nd class please” “A painting” “A bottle of ketchup” “Thanks” Poundland “No thanks” “No I really don’t want that chocolate” “Thanks” Sainsbury’s Went to fast pay till, I needed break from human interaction. Aldi “Are you sure” “Thanks that’s kind” “Thanks” “Thanks again” After extensive Google research I now know that the average person speaks around 7000 words a day. So I’ve got 99.5% of my words left to speak today. And there was me wondering why I felt lonely. If you know someone who lives alone maybe pick up the phone and let them use some of their words. They’ll thank you for it. Take Care Paul This post contains images of self harm so do not read on if you don't want to see these or they will affect you. I’ve just finished watching the documentary about Caroline Flack. A few day after watching Roman Kemps documentary. It’s great that there are more programmes about mental health and what can happen. It’s fantastic that there is more and more mention of it. But is there enough and does it really expose the reality? Does it really give an expose into what it feels like to feel nothing, to want to hurt yourself to feel something, to want to end your life to end the pain. I don’t think so. What happens isn't talked about, it’s not seen, not shown and in some ways it then remains not real. Someone hurts them self, tries to take their own life or does, but who knows what that really looks like, can imagine what it really feels like (or thinks like) inside that persons head to want to do those things. I did the things below to myself. I’ve done worse but no camera phones then. I took these to remind myself where I was then (these are about 5 years ago), in the hope that I wouldn’t be there again. But I’ve never shared them. Some people have seen the scars. But have they seen the pain which causes them? I’ve done this at really low moments. Times when I can’t feel anything, when I can’t work out how to express how I feel, times when nothing in the world seems to make sense and I have no one talk it over with. Times when I've been really lonely. Can you imagine the pain in your head to hold a knife against your arm and cut, to hold a scalding hot iron against your leg for as long as you can manage and then feel relief afterwards. This is what mental illness can do. And it can do a lot worse. Images follow - please don't read on if this will affect you negatively. In the Caroline flack documentary they talked about her caring so much what people thought about her.
I understand that. It’s sometimes called being over sensitive. But it’s not a conscious choice. You don’t choose to be badly hurt by the smallest slight, by someone choosing the wrong words, by someone not being in touch. You just are, and if your mind is wired that way you can quickly spiral downwards about even the smallest things which to those without mental illness it would not affect. Kinda like the same way someone with lung disease would struggle more than someone without. It’s still easier to understand when it’s a physical illness. To really make the giant steps we need to break the stigma around mental illness we need to expose what it does to people. And really expose it. Not shy away from it. We’ve all seen pictures on cigarette packets of what smoking does to your lungs so why don’t we see what mental illness can do to your body. It might be hard to see, you might not want to see it, but if you really knew what mental illness was doing to your friend, your relative, your partner would you want to help them stop. Would you reach out and call them. I think you would. I hope you would. MIND has some excellent pages on self harm if you want to understand more Take Care Paul Today a guest blog from my friend Anna about her challenges with SAD and GAD. I haven't known Anna very long or even met her more than a handful of times but we've connected over matters of the mind and I'm really pleased she agreed to put some words down. It took her nearly a year to do so, but everyone is on their own journey so that's ok, just keep moving forward and do things at your own pace. So, over to Anna......
“I suffer from GAD and SAD. These sounds like qualifications, or achievements but ALAS are not. I like to describe myself as an all year round nightmare. I suffer particularly badly, with suffer being the absolutely correct word to use here, with migraines in the summer as high pressure is a big trigger for me, and experience Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) in the winter. My Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) just keeps me worried about the two seasons in the time in-between. It has taken me a while to joke about this, as honestly at times it has filled me with complete despair. Like somehow I’m being punished by my body and feeling completely let down by it. This is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, it makes me, me. I have managed my migraines since I was a young teenager and unfortunately for me and 7 million other Brits just “one of those things”. Nothing for me to blame myself for. I was diagnosed with SAD last year. Again, nothing to be ashamed of. Many, many others suffer the same to varying degrees. GAD is a long-term condition that causes you to feel anxious about a wide range of situations and issues, rather than 1 specific event. This can really affect everyday life and can become totally consuming. For me, I wouldn’t be able to get through the day without saying “I’m worried about…” several times which can not only affect my peace of mind but that of those around me. I have tried to manage my anxiety myself, trying to get into a regular habit of meditating (with a mixed response, I pick it up and put it down a bit too much) and practising yoga. I took the decision, and was lucky enough to have the option to invest in myself and have private counselling. This has been the best thing I’ve ever done and my general anxiety has become far more manageable. It will be interesting to see how/if things change when the global pandemic fizzles out and life gets back to some sort of normal. SAD can be totally infuriating, as it can be really unpredictable. Some days will be fine and others it will take every fibre to get out of bed through sadness. I chose to seek help from my GP when I couldn’t manage it myself any longer due to the impacts it was having on my life. I think I probably suffered from SAD for longer than I originally reflected on and it highlights the importance of tracking mood and feelings of hopelessness to be able to arm yourself with the tools to be quite frankly taken seriously. I was really quite anxious to discuss with the GP but again without taking that brave step I wouldn’t have accessed the help I so needed at that time. Understanding that SAD is environmental, and that many people suffer to varying degrees, and that there are positive actions that can be taken to manage it a lot better than I was really helped. I did quite a lot of reading and found the MIND website incredibly useful, and reassuring. SAD lamps, sunrise clocks, getting outside for walks, taking rest. Goodness taking rest has been one of the biggest eye openers for me. Working from home has been excruciating at times, but having the flexibility to have a slower start, wake up in the light, not have to travel in the misery that is winter weather in Britain and getting into a positive habit of walks at lunchtime since the start of the year has made a huge difference. I am one of those people who has come on a big journey with understanding my mental health over the last few years. A conversation I have learnt to keep open through my job as working for an organisation where it encourages openness and support on the matter. The biggest part of this journey for me has happened in the last 14 months, accepting that more help was needed and putting my wellbeing at the top of my priority list which for me does not come naturally. Thanks, Anna Yesterday I was conflicted and spent some time with my anxiety well and truly in charge. The conflict was between physical and mental health, doing the right thing for me and doing the right thing for others. It was also about the definition of local and about risk. e conflict was this:
I don't know anyone within 5 miles of my house who I am friends with who I could go for a walk with. Whilst a walk alone does me good, both physically and mentally it does not do me as much good mentally as a conversation at the same time with a friend would. The main way to wellbeing I'm missing at the moment is connect, in real life, not on a screen or via a phone. So was a 15 mile drive to meet and walk along the river bank the right thing to do? Does the allowed exercise slot per day allow for the exercise to provide the maximum amount of wellbeing benefit? Does the reward outweigh the risk or is the risk too great? I didn't go on the walk, worry and anxiety kept me home which was probably overall the right thing to do in the spirit of the guidance. But I really would have liked to see someone for a chat and a walk and boosted my mental health more.
Take Care Paul Where do you get your power from, your energy, your mojo (yeahhh baby), your motivation? Chances are you get it from a number of different places, people, things, situations and these may depend on whether you are more extroverted or introverted, or an E or I as Mike Myers and Johnny Briggs might say. I've never been sure why 2 actors created a personality indicator...... So what's the point of today's ramble I hear you think, well it's about energy and more specifically how, if, whether you managed to get any recharge over whatever sort of Christmas break you managed to have. I've come back to work from around 10 days off feeling exhausted and like I have had no real recharge at all. Yes I didn't work but that doesn't mean all the time sitting around doing nothing was a suitable menu for recharging my batteries. Normally over the Christmas break I would probably do many of the following:
If the break was in times of warmer weather I would spend a lot of it outside pottering about, going for walks or sitting in a chair reading. in general I understand that Introverts gain energy from being on their own and expend energy from being around others. Extroverts are in general the opposite and gain energy from others and expend if from being alone. I spend a lot of time alone so the introverted part of my personality (because I feel I am both) gets plenty of recharge, too much some would say having spent 48 hours over this weekend not talking to or seeing anyone. But the extroverted part is crying out for an energy boost which is why I'm grateful that my office is open and I can go there and socialise a little, even if there are very few people in. My concern if how to keep the extroverted energy part topped up. Phone or Video calls don't do it (enough), it's face to face social interaction that tops up my tank and I've realised it even more recently. In the list above it's interesting to observe that even some of my alone activities, which might typically involve the pub with a book, the gym or a shop wander are actually extroverted to a degree as I feel the need to be in places where other people are. It's worth thinking about where you get your energy from and whether the current weird world affects whether that energy source is available to you and what you can do about it.
If you get energy from people but you can't see people what is the solution? I don't know but I'd like you to tell me. Maybe I need a pet? Take Care Paul The first Monday after the new year, the most Monday of Mondays a friend just said to me I'm healthy (I think), got a job, a house, I'm warm and well fed so what have I got to moan about? Well as it happens, like usual, quite a lot. Before Christmas, whilst Christmas was always going to be weird there was something to look forward to. But now the relentlessness of life being the same day after day after day is on the mind. I'm finding the particularly hard at the moment because I live alone and spent yesterday indoors all day and didn't see or speak to anyone. I actually made a point of noting that the first words that came out of my mouth was about 2 in the afternoon as I walked upstairs and found myself singing The VengaBus. If I'm finding it hard how hard must people be finding it who don't see or speak to anyone for days or weeks. I can imagine it will be bloody awful.
If you're lucky enough to have company and human contact try and reach out to others who may not. If that lonely friend sent you a Happy New Year message try and find the time to reply. If they're anything like me they are sat there alone anxiously fretting and questioning why people don't care enough to do something so simple, and reflecting on and fuelling the fire of their already low self worth. Take Care, Reach out Paul Hello you, how are you, long time no speak.... I have had a couple of conversations this week about people’s anxiety with doing things (in this case painting and driving lessons – not at the same time) and their challenges with perfectionism. Perfectionism and it’s constant nag in your ear to be better and to be amazing at everything you do immediately is in no uncertain terms a bastard. During my excellent and free counselling advice I suggested the following….
It was excellent advice and I really should charge for it. But it’s taken me a long time to realise that you can enjoy the mindful moment, the process of doing something and the journey and that unless you're a rocket scientist the end result may not matter as much. After all we’re all going to die and they do say life is about the journey not the destination. We also talked about how anxiety, avoidance, procrastinating and how looking for someone else’s permission or approval before doing something can be exhausting and are also all bastards. If you’re trying something new or difficult start small. Don’t look at where you think you should be, break it down into manageable steps and take them one at a time, go backwards if you need to. But start. Action creates motivation, not the other way round. Think of it like a journey too. If you are anxious about a decision or an action you can stop and pause at some mind traffic lights. You can take a slightly different direction, just a slight tweak to what you do and in time you could be in a very different place. The mind is a bit like a super tanker (full or terrible transport analogies today) and just half a degree change in direction can make a huge difference to where it ends up. And you can always steer back to a different destination if you want to or if the waters get choppy. So um that's it. You don't need to be a super tanker, a good one, average one or great one is ok, as long as you enjoy the journey.
Take care Paul |
AuthorMr Paul Wyse Archives
January 2021
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