I'm scared of failure. Scared of being laughed at. Scared of saying the wrong thing and what people will think of me. Scared of new situations where I am out of my comfort zone. Scared of messing up. Scared of letting people down. Scared of confident people. Scared of not being perfect. Scared of people not liking me. Just generally um scared.
Someone will probably tell me ‘so what’ or ‘what does it matter’ but to me it just does and I naturally struggle to feel different. It’s a bit like a phobia really, you might not like snakes and someone else can’t fathom why, but you just don’t.
If I go out and do something a bit different like going to a concert I worry about getting home. On the way home I worry about getting home. And when I'm outside home I worry if everything at home is ok. It stops me doing things. I’ve turned down invites to things because of it, or left early, of simply not enjoyed it because my mind is elsewhere. It stops me being happy. It stops me living, really living and leaves me just existing. Surviving and definitely not thriving.
Like a lot of people I got bullied a bit at school, I think that’s maybe where it set in. I should have done something about it. But I didn't and I just carried on being scared and have carried it with me ever since.
I applied for a development course last week, it was all a bit last minute and I didn’t really think I was right for it until I was encouraged and had some nice feedback. I’ve since been told it involves role play, and for someone who also despised drama at school there is nothing worse. So I’m already kind of hoping I don’t get on it. Role play, no thanks, it scares me.
I don't really look forward to anything. Genuinely, and it's exhausting.
I realise much of this is linked to self worth and personal resilience and I’m trying to do things about that, but it’s not easy.
I did also read that you can turn fear into excitement more easily that you can turn fear into calm, it's here, have a look
Mr Paul Wyse