My gremlin is in full power mode at the moment, he’s been soaked in water, seen too much sunlight and also whatever the other thing was that makes him turn bad.
When he gets like that he eats away at my insides until he finds a button to keep pressing, one attached to my stomach churning, my mind over thinking and my general sense of dread.
I think a lot about the future. It doesn’t look very positive for me. I’m filtering out all the good possibilities, love, pride, laughter, friendship, achievement, worth and replacing them all with their opposites.
It’s a bit like two face in Batman I suppose. A constant battle. You can supress the gremlins for so long, but you just know they’ll get wet again.
It scares and worries me how much little I like myself. How hard it is I find it to look at that man in the mirror and be happy, or even accepting of who looks back.
Negative self image is horrible. It’s like a loose connection. Unfortunately re wiring takes a long time and a lot of effort, and I like many of my friends who are suffering feel like I’ve lost my mojo.
The only place I’m really honest is when i write on here, it’s somehow ok to share here and be ok with it. I think maybe I have a stigma against mental health myself, which is why it makes it hard to talk about it sometimes. I apologise to people because I think I’ve bored them with my mental health chat before. I stop myself pushing as far as I’d like because I’m worried I’m going to be branded as interfering.
But it’s not. And even if it is then it’s good to do. Because this stuff is real. It’s real thoughts, feelings and emotions running round my head now. It was real at 3am this morning when I was awake for an hour thinking about my relationship with my best friend.
I wish I could find the off switch.
Mr Paul Wyse