Welcoming another guest blogger today. Stephen is a colleague at work who I've never met, we've never spoken but we've connected because of openness about mental health. I encouraged Stephen to share because it helps me so much and I'm delighted he agreed to. Initially he said he wanted to be anonymous, but then changed his mind and said he had nothing to hide. This makes me proud of him. He should be proud of himself.
Take Care. Paul
Mountain High - Valley Low
4 days in to February and I’m physically and mentally exhausted. Monday morning blues, or is it Monday morning worries, or Monday morning anxiety and fear of the unknown.
Last Monday I was on top of the mountain looking over the views and endless opportunities and paths that my life has for me. Today I’m looking out into dense fog and feeling disorientated, trapped in a place where I can’t see a way out, I feel that panic and churning in my stomach again, those little signs that my anxiety is trying to ride over me again.
I worry and I catastrophise about so many things in my work and personal life…..things that haven’t even happened but seem to swamp my thoughts.
So February – lets kick start this one off, had a my first ever car accident in 11 years of driving (Me, Myself and I were ok, so was the other person) – I drove my self home a few miles after exchanging details, made myself a huge cup of sweet tea, - and I tried to process what the hell happened in the last hour.
Well I couldn’t, my whole body and brain was tingling , my senses were overloaded, I was on adrenalin kick, I was …experiencing what anything other human would, but for me it was all new and unknown and overwhelming. I started doing the what if’s, why did I go that route home, what if I went straight home, what if ….this wasn’t helping. The one thing I know I could do was ring my dad, sister, partner and a friend – physically they couldn’t do anything but emotionally they could be with me on the phone while I let it all out.
Reality is that I will end up bottling my anxiety and emotions by the time I get home – I know what I should do, but its so hard.
Having that over me this weekend, raised my anxiety; about driving, about work and about aspects in my personal life, I came to face Monday morning and I feel drained emotionally and physically.
If I just start BREATHING, and taking a little control of my thoughts and anxiety by writing them down, today will become less foggy, less disorientating, and tonight all I want to do is go home, hug my loved one, my cats and let all my anxiety and emotions and feelings out that have tried to overcome me in the first 4 days of Feb.
I have faith, I have hope, I have love, and I have family and a few close friends; and I have strength and determination. It’s easy to say this but to turn words into actions all the time when I’m feeling very lost is a constant battle that I’m constantly learning from. Ill keep doing what I know best, talking and writing.
What will the rest of February bring, only time will tell.
Mr Paul Wyse