"All this talk of getting old, it's getting me down my love"
Over the last week the increased dose of the meds has started to work. I've started to feel a difference every day. I'm not walking around smiling like a cheshire cat or some idiot off of love island, but the general fog in and around my head has started to shift.
Someone told me this was what it felt like. Just a boost to mean that you don't automatically think down and you think more evenly.
It actually feels that I am a bit more myself. It's hard to explain but imagine you've been an undercover agent infiltrating some crime syndicate for so many years, you've had to play a part and you've played it for so long, so intensely that you've forgotten who you really are. Playing that part, being that person has impacted on every area of your life, it makes you hard to understand and cope with for the important people in your life, it affects your relationships. It can't be easy knowing someone who is automatically down, anxious, scared and insecure. It's like you've been a different person and you've not actually been able to control it.
The drugs are giving that bit of control back, so I can now start to be who I want to be, be braver, make the decisions that are the right ones and not run back over them in my head a million times, stop seeking reassurance so much, stop relying on certain important people in my life and affecting them too with my negativity. I've never wanted to do that.
It gives hope for the future, hope that I can make people happy because I will first be happy with myself and in myself. The journey is a long way from over, but I feel like the drugs have given the vehicle i'm travelling in the right fuel.
The CBT is starting to help too. I think the combination is important. Sometimes just talking and changing how you think might be the solution for you, but if you actually have a chemical imbalance like I think I have then you might need something to help you balance better.
Remembering who you are, who you want to be and who you can be is important. Getting the help you need to make that a reality and not some future 'One Day' dream is essential, you can put it off for too long like I did and things won't improve by themselves and may get worse, or you can go for it, knowing that it can only help.
Find a best friend, or family member, or anyone (ask me if you know me) to help you through if you need the support, and let's face it you probably do as it's a bloody big mountain to even start to climb.
"Yeah I know I'll see your face again"
Mr Paul Wyse