That title is from a song on the excellent Prioritise Pleasure album by Self Esteem, the next line is "and I know you find it harder than your peers do" and that what this rambling monologue is about. So last week on Friday I had an interview, for my own job, that I've been doing for 3 years but still had to be interviewed for it. That's just the way it works in some organisations. It's frustrating but like Bruce Hornsby said to the range, its just the way it is. I got the job. Woo Hoo. Except I don't feel Woo Hoo because I continue to have low self esteem, a smidge of imposter syndrome and like many times in the past am in one of those periods where I find it hard to be happy. Part of the solution to this is getting my self validation not from myself but getting it from others. I think i'm shit and can't see my value but if other people do then that helps make me feel better and I can steal a bit of their positivity about me. I shared the news on Linked In on Friday after deciding my facebook, Insta and Twitter followers wouldn't be too interested. It's had almost 5000 impressions (hopefully like Les Dennis' one of Mavis from Corrie), almost 150 likes and 40 very nice supportive comments from people I admire and respect, But why do I need this validation from others. Why can't I just believe in myself and believe I'm good at this stuff. I could say something about the Backstreet Boys and tell me why now, but I won't. The interview itself was hard. I'm capable of talking easily about good things I did at work, but answering questions about what it is that I do, what's the magic formula that I possess is next to impossible
I think it was to do with upbringing, lots of things are, and not being in a 'boastful' family set up, not being happy being the centre of attention and not generally talking about yourself, but being a bloody good listener. It's probably why I'm a counsellor to so many friends now. Interviews are there to show off. I find it excruciatingly hard to show off so I feel at an immediate disadvantage. I'd rather my work spoke for itself, people observed me doing what I do, references were sought, I could provide evidence that I had done good things (some people would say great things there but that would be uncomfortable to write). I got the job which is great, but still find the whole experience extremely draining and set up for those who are most comfortable showing off. And that's not what a lot of work is about. Unless you're an actor perhaps, and I always hated drama at school too. Can we reasonably adjust the interview process for different neurodiversity. If you're terrible on the spot (and the job isn't to do a job where you have to answer questions on the spot) then why get you to answer questions on the spot. Anyway, ramble over, I just wanted to write something about it. And advertise Self Esteems album# Take Care Paul
1 Comment
An old mate
10/9/2023 12:39:10 am
Feel very similarly, chap.
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AuthorMr Paul Wyse Archives
January 2021
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