That title is from a song on the excellent Prioritise Pleasure album by Self Esteem, the next line is "and I know you find it harder than your peers do" and that what this rambling monologue is about. So last week on Friday I had an interview, for my own job, that I've been doing for 3 years but still had to be interviewed for it. That's just the way it works in some organisations. It's frustrating but like Bruce Hornsby said to the range, its just the way it is. I got the job. Woo Hoo. Except I don't feel Woo Hoo because I continue to have low self esteem, a smidge of imposter syndrome and like many times in the past am in one of those periods where I find it hard to be happy. Part of the solution to this is getting my self validation not from myself but getting it from others. I think i'm shit and can't see my value but if other people do then that helps make me feel better and I can steal a bit of their positivity about me. I shared the news on Linked In on Friday after deciding my facebook, Insta and Twitter followers wouldn't be too interested. It's had almost 5000 impressions (hopefully like Les Dennis' one of Mavis from Corrie), almost 150 likes and 40 very nice supportive comments from people I admire and respect, But why do I need this validation from others. Why can't I just believe in myself and believe I'm good at this stuff. I could say something about the Backstreet Boys and tell me why now, but I won't. The interview itself was hard. I'm capable of talking easily about good things I did at work, but answering questions about what it is that I do, what's the magic formula that I possess is next to impossible
I think it was to do with upbringing, lots of things are, and not being in a 'boastful' family set up, not being happy being the centre of attention and not generally talking about yourself, but being a bloody good listener. It's probably why I'm a counsellor to so many friends now. Interviews are there to show off. I find it excruciatingly hard to show off so I feel at an immediate disadvantage. I'd rather my work spoke for itself, people observed me doing what I do, references were sought, I could provide evidence that I had done good things (some people would say great things there but that would be uncomfortable to write). I got the job which is great, but still find the whole experience extremely draining and set up for those who are most comfortable showing off. And that's not what a lot of work is about. Unless you're an actor perhaps, and I always hated drama at school too. Can we reasonably adjust the interview process for different neurodiversity. If you're terrible on the spot (and the job isn't to do a job where you have to answer questions on the spot) then why get you to answer questions on the spot. Anyway, ramble over, I just wanted to write something about it. And advertise Self Esteems album# Take Care Paul
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Today a guest blog from my colleague Sam about his experience with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD).....
My name is Sam and I suffer from GAD. I never used to, and I always used to think I could handle anything. Until I couldn’t. For me, my GAD came about from a particular blend of horrible experiences combined with a genetic pre-disposition to such things. It first showed itself in repetitive, intrusive, worrying thoughts, an increase in OCD and reclusive tendencies. When I ignored those, my body decided enough was enough and produced a Psoriasis outbreak so severe it horrified the Dermatologists. I am told Psoriasis and Asthma are mutually exclusive genes. I just happen to have both. Lucky me! This outbreak coincided with the birth of my son, who was very ill and had to go into the Neonatal care unit. He recovered, and so did I, but I felt it was time to address things. So began my therapy journey, which led me deep into my past and my psyche, through many highs and lows, bouts of anxiety and agoraphobia, and then recovery. GAD is now something I live with and have come to understand and manage. What I have learned is that no matter how awful things seem, there is always a better time just around the corner. When things are bad, I take every moment as it comes, each day at a time. I take time, I seek help, speak to people, and I look after myself physically. Sleep is a biggie. At my worst points, I often lie awake, sweating, feeling the anxiety course through my veins. This is a vicious cycle, as you need to sleep to combat anxiety, so, I become more anxious about not sleeping. Speaking to a doctor about this really did help, there are things they can recommend. So, if you suffer from GAD, or even just get the Heebie-BeeGees yourself at night, talk to your GP, get your rest however you can, and build it up from there. As Professor Brian Cox says, ‘Things can only get better’… I just got some negative feedback, just a little bit, vastly outweighed by all the positive feedback or no feedback at all I've got this week.
It crushed me instantly and I had to try hard not to cry. My chest has been tight, I'm all jittery and I'm now spending the next 3 days alone just with my thoughts catastrophising about what a shit horrible person I am. I got told not to worry about it by the person giving the feedback. I will obviously, a lot, too much, blowing it out of all proportion. My immediate thought went to hurting myself. I've not felt like that for ages. I didn't which is good, but the thought hasn't gone away yet, hence writing to try and calm it down. I went for a walk with the dog in the sun too, it helped a little. I don't understand how my brain works and filters anything positive straight out the other ear and clings so desperately to any negativity. How can I have such low self confidence and self esteem? I stood up earlier this week and presented to 100 people, so my work persona has no issues with his confidence and esteem, but the Paul behind that mask is crushed by the slightest comment. I feel sick now, writing this, admitting how weak I am, how vulnerable I am, how much I get hurt. It tears away at the person I thought I was and replaces him with a scared. vulnerable and useless shell. I just want a hug and for someone to tell me it will be ok. I'm off ill (again), a combination of physical (horrible hacking coughing up chunks) and mental (low low low low low). I've been feeling very guilty again, despite the fact that I have such a gravelly voice I should be doing cinema voiceovers, the aforementioned chunks and the general feeling of shitness in my head. Friday was a tough day. Working hard as usual, spinning too many plates and a feeling of being let down by others. Also, a feeling of feeling bad that I got upset and frustrated by it and it was triggering. Sometimes it really is the little thing, the straw that breaks the camel's back and Friday was like that for me. For some reason it got me thinking about grief and how understanding society is if someone is grieving, and how grief, whilst absolutely felt physically is not a physical condition in itself. People deal with grief in a variety of ways the same ways people deal with mental illness. The event, the loss, the triggering thing has a number of impacts. Huge overwhelming stress, physical and emotional reactions and a whole host of coping reactions. When the triggering thing is a loss, or more accurately a death, the societally accepted response is to reach out, to accept, to understand, to be more tolerant etc. This is of course completely correct and I'm in no way suggesting that the level of societal reaction to a mental illness episode should be the same as from grief. Actually, I guess I kind of am suggesting that. I have been fortunate to not have had much experience of grief due to death. But I have grieved relationships and other losses, and know the feelings of emptiness, despair, loss of hope and hollow pointless existence. And mental illness can feel like that. Quite regularly. And it comes with a more than fair share of guilt, because in my case there is often no socially accepted reason (and yes it's getting better) for why I feel like I do. So, another rambling post which I'm not sure what conclusion I'm drawing or point I'm making.
I suppose it's that one day we will be able to support people whatever their reason for being down, and for more reasons to be societally acceptable and for there not to be the guilt. I feel sad, hopeless, frustrated and down. Yes, I know it could be worse. Yes, I know I have it better than a lot of other people. But I have my mind, my way of thinking, my experiences and DNA. But.... Cheer up Paul, no body died...... I’m feeling really burnt out at the moment. I’d like to stop. But I don’t feel that I can. Part of the problem is that I’m working two jobs. Two bosses. Two laptops. Two lots of different teams notifications. But only one work week.
It’s really hard. I feel like I’m letting both sides down at the moment. I’m too tired to work harder or longer. I’m also undervalued at work. Not in words but in both status and financial reward. This is not helping because I cannot understand why what I do is not valued as highly as some colleagues. So to add to the feelings of exhaustion I have a general sense of frustration. I multi task in every teams meeting. One of the few advantages of having three computer screens on the go at all times. My brain has so many tabs open. I’m flipping from one job to the next over the space of ten mins. Take that hat off, put this one on. Have you got a quick minute. Refocus your brain on another job. Come straight out of one meeting about one thing with no time to process, to reset or even to turn the kettle on, and straight into a different subject. Perform to the same high standard, think on the spot, be agile, deliver deliver deliver. I’m struggling to contain the depression. A general lack of motivation and energy making it hard to do, and easier to just lay on the sofa, Netflix my constant companion. I haven’t cut myself for years but the last week it’s been on my mind again. Something to focus on. Something to block out the chatter in my head. Something real. Something to turn the emotional pain into physical. And I’m also feeling so so lonely. Conversations only on screens. The phone never rings. Any contact is just through typed words. Missing a hug. These are the times when I feel most useless, most unloved, most unimportant, most insignificant. Actions speak louder than words. Especially typed ones. Covid has adjusted how much human contact many of us get. And it’s not healthy. So please call your mates. Or even better go see them. Some of them might not have spoken to someone in real life today. Their only conversation might have just been a work one. They might feel lonely. And hopeless. And in need. There's lots of talk at the moment about the cost of living crisis reducing choices for some down to heat or eat. I'm fortunate that I'm not in that position and don't think I will be. I'm a middle earner but I don't have much disposable income. I have a big mortgage on my own and various financial commitments. But things are still going to get touch even if I'm not cold or hungry, because my mental health is being affected and will be affected more. There is an every growing anxt level within me with no clear light at the end of the tunnel. The 5 ways to well-being, which for me are essential to ‘living’ healthily often involve spending money. And it’s these type of things that are at risk of not happening with any spare money I find down the back of the sofa going on utility bills. An example. Today I met a friend and had one drink in the pub. I got the train to meet him. I spent just £20. I’m not sure I’ll be able to afford to do that in a month. But I really needed it. Connecting is an essential way to well-being for me, to not connect, to continue to be alone for most of my time is not healthy. I will not be living healthily. I paint a lot to feel well. Will I be able to afford the paint. A trip to the cinema is always good, but that’s another ‘luxury’ I might not be able to afford. I need to go to the dentist but I’m worried I will need some work done. And I can’t afford it. I’d like to take the dog for a walk to some lovely hills about half an hour away, but I’m not sure I can afford the petrol. All of these things are essential to well-being and all of these things are now more and more difficult decisions to take. And as I said, I’m a middle earner and there are lots of people in much worse position than me. Variety is the spice of life but unfortunately whilst there are free varieties many cost money. So how do we also get the things that we need for our wellbeing, that affect our physical health because they affect our mental health.
What alternatives can you come up with that still allow connection without going to the pub. A park bench with a box of wine maybe (actually don't do that). Take Care Paul Not many posts recently so I must have been feeling better, but now it's my birthday week and if there is one thing that always triggers me it's my birthday.
I wrote about this last year and little has changed, so don't feel obliged to read on. One difference is I have new colleagues so new people saying 'ohh what do you have planned' and 'is it a big one' (which is a little inappropriate to ask at work in my view but maybe they mean my age). So yes, it is a big one. Tomorrow I will be 50. And I hate it. Because this is how my mind thinks:
It's fucking horrible. It's the talk and thought of someone with such low self esteem, with low confidence, with high expectations, with a need to please people, with a driver for everything to be perfect. But also of someone who is smart enough and emotionally intelligent enough to know a lot of this talk and though is rubbish but still does it anyway, and he gets annoyed with himself about that. Tomorrow I will open some cards and presents and be grateful, but will not feel like I deserve them, will beat myself up about how down I am feeling and how I am not happier. Will reflect on another year and I'm no closer to the life I think I should be having. Birthdays are like a performance review, and mine isn't what it should be, I try so hard but it isn't ever good enough. It will not be a happy birthday, I will not celebrate, no wishes will be made........... Ah thank goodness, another mental health awareness week over, 51 weeks till we can focus on it again. All the focus on loneliness can be defocussed. Anyone lonely last week will be ok now. it's a good job it's only once a year, I'm exhausted now.... And I do feel exhausted, and I do feel down, because those weeks are hard.
Last week I did 2 presentations on mental health, one to Environment Agency colleagues and one to colleagues from Department for International Trade. The former was the short version, not too miserable, not too dark, but full of practical information and advice. The latter was longer, more miserable, covered the self harm (only via the blurred out pictures - people at work are not ready for that yet). They were well received, they always are. I got some nice feedback, I always do. So why do I feel so down. Well....... It doesn't feel like the times are changing. We're not doing enough to look out for each other. Who rang someone to check up on them? Who checked up on their lonely friend? Who is doing it this week? And next? What happens for the next 51 weeks? The weeks over..... but it's not over.... Take Care Paul
I had a call yesterday from a dear friend who is having a tough time. They are struggling. Are full of anxiety and worrying all the time. They’re trying to work out what to do and whether medication could help. So they asked me, because I’ve been taking medication for about six years now. This is what I told them. In case it’s of any help to you. First. Seeking additional help is not only the right thing to do but takes a lot of courage and you should be proud of yourself. There is no shame in admitting you need help. Second. Remember how if this were a condition about another part of your body, like your blood pressure, and you needed medication to help that, you would not be anywhere near as hard on yourself. Third. Call it medication or tablets not drugs. Drugs makes you think of something else. It makes you think of addiction and numbing and being out of your mind. Fourth. Medication comes in differing doses and different types. You might need a certain one and a certain strength (our body doesn’t like every food we try, some hit the spot, others don’t). You can change. You can try. You don’t need to be taking something ‘forever’ but if you need to then you need to and that’s ok. Fifth. I find it helps to think about medication as a foundation to stabilise my mind. It allows me to do other things to build my resilience. It keeps me more level. It calms the waves to let me be able to swim Sixth. You have worries about taking medication. You need to compare what you are worried about and how it makes you feel now to how you could feel with the medication. What would that foundation of stability help you feel like and help you cope with? How could it help you believe in your ability to cope with uncertainty. Seventh. Try hard not to catastrophise what could happen if you take medication. Do you read the side effects list of every tablet you’ve ever taken. When you take ibuprofen do you think that you will be the 1 in 10000th person who will have X or Y. Finally. Take the first step. Have the conversation with your doctor. Find out the options. Discuss your worries. Be proud of yourself. Take care and don't be afraid to use whatever help helps Paul ’m having a lonely weekend and haven’t spoken to anyone (apart from to say ‘thanks’ in a shop) since Friday. This is not an uncommon situation. I’m also feeling quite low. It’s been like this for weeks. I’ve had some challenges, mostly at work, that have made me question who I am. It’s made me feel more of a failure, ask myself why I am how I am and generally feel shit. One way if manifests itself is in an absolute loss of any motivation. The house is very very messy, clothes that are long dry are drying everywhere. I may need to buy some new plates as they’re all waiting to be washed up. The hoover thinks it has retired. All this mess does not help how I feel but the lack of motivation and feeling like a failure means I don’t sort it out. The solution to this according to work is to ‘reach out’. I have an issues with this as do most people who have felt how I feel. I can’t reach out. It’s almost impossible. I already feel a massive failure so why would I want to call someone to tell them and feel even worse. They are already not reaching out to me. So they don’t care. I mean I know they do but everyone has their own lives and unless you’ve struggled you don’t reach out to others. If you haven’t spoken to someone for a while give them a call. Struggles with mental health and struggles with loneliness are every day. They don't just 'get better' with a few days off.... I appreciate the offer from the 'Tops' but it's not that easy.
Take Care Paul |
AuthorMr Paul Wyse Archives
January 2021
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