I'm off ill (again), a combination of physical (horrible hacking coughing up chunks) and mental (low low low low low). I've been feeling very guilty again, despite the fact that I have such a gravelly voice I should be doing cinema voiceovers, the aforementioned chunks and the general feeling of shitness in my head. Friday was a tough day. Working hard as usual, spinning too many plates and a feeling of being let down by others. Also, a feeling of feeling bad that I got upset and frustrated by it and it was triggering. Sometimes it really is the little thing, the straw that breaks the camel's back and Friday was like that for me. For some reason it got me thinking about grief and how understanding society is if someone is grieving, and how grief, whilst absolutely felt physically is not a physical condition in itself. People deal with grief in a variety of ways the same ways people deal with mental illness. The event, the loss, the triggering thing has a number of impacts. Huge overwhelming stress, physical and emotional reactions and a whole host of coping reactions. When the triggering thing is a loss, or more accurately a death, the societally accepted response is to reach out, to accept, to understand, to be more tolerant etc. This is of course completely correct and I'm in no way suggesting that the level of societal reaction to a mental illness episode should be the same as from grief. Actually, I guess I kind of am suggesting that. I have been fortunate to not have had much experience of grief due to death. But I have grieved relationships and other losses, and know the feelings of emptiness, despair, loss of hope and hollow pointless existence. And mental illness can feel like that. Quite regularly. And it comes with a more than fair share of guilt, because in my case there is often no socially accepted reason (and yes it's getting better) for why I feel like I do. So, another rambling post which I'm not sure what conclusion I'm drawing or point I'm making.
I suppose it's that one day we will be able to support people whatever their reason for being down, and for more reasons to be societally acceptable and for there not to be the guilt. I feel sad, hopeless, frustrated and down. Yes, I know it could be worse. Yes, I know I have it better than a lot of other people. But I have my mind, my way of thinking, my experiences and DNA. But.... Cheer up Paul, no body died......
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AuthorMr Paul Wyse Archives
January 2021
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