My mask is starting to show some cracks. The cracks are letting out some of who i actually am. I'm not pretending or acting so much anymore. Well not all the time like usual anyway. I've started having a bit more fun at work. This is a good thing because I find that the fun can be hard to find these days. The problem I am now facing is that following previous feedback about what the authentic me is like and the effect i can have on people I am becoming increasingly anxious that someone will get upset, offended or dislike someone I say or do. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not doing anything bad here, i'm just having fun, but the work world today feels like it can be hard to have fun and be your authentic self as there is always someone who may not like that you. Fun is good for your health. It helps you connect, let off steam, laughter is good for you, you enjoy work and motivation levels stay higher. So why is it so hard to have fun now? I think the answer is fear. Fear that your fun will upset someone else. The opposite is true too, and something I have been accused of. Being 'grumpy' and not having fun can upset people as well. So it's a fine line and you can be walking a tightrope. I especially seem to have highs and lows of mood, i am more often really down, but if I'm up it can be a big up. So I'll probably be upsetting someone however I am. Being my authentic self is therefore very difficult and can take an awful lot of energy to maintain some sort of middle ground where I am noticed less. The trouble is I don't do my best work in this place, I'm better at the extremes. I either want to be in the centre of the conversation or not involved in it at all. Playing a bit part is hard. The Oscar for best supporting actor won't be coming my way. Hot desking doesn't help my authentic self. Neither does working remotely from the rest of my team. When you sit with the same people you get to know them, you know their good and bad, their highs and lows. Working remotely and at hot desks means that is hard. You're sat next to strangers, how authentic can you be? So how much should I let the mask continue to crack?
How much should I be me? And if someone doesn't like the authentic me is that ok? Does that mean I've actually done something wrong or that I'm a bad person. Or does it just mean that people are all different and some people just don't connect. It plays on my mind a lot this. Because of things that have happened over the last year I feel like an empty shell a lot of the time at work, or perhaps hiding in my shell. Scared to come out for fear of upsetting someone. But the essence of the authentic me is to step forward, to volunteer, to push for change, to raise my head above the parapet. And if I'm scared to do that then you're not getting the best of me, and that's not good for me, or you. Believe in yourself, unless it upsets anyone else, because in my experience you then get judged and labelled as a problem. So it's better to keep quiet, and stay in your shell, and fix your mask. It's not supposed to be fun. Take Care Paul
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AuthorMr Paul Wyse Archives
January 2021
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