This post contains images of self harm so do not read on if you don't want to see these or they will affect you. I’ve just finished watching the documentary about Caroline Flack. A few day after watching Roman Kemps documentary. It’s great that there are more programmes about mental health and what can happen. It’s fantastic that there is more and more mention of it. But is there enough and does it really expose the reality? Does it really give an expose into what it feels like to feel nothing, to want to hurt yourself to feel something, to want to end your life to end the pain. I don’t think so. What happens isn't talked about, it’s not seen, not shown and in some ways it then remains not real. Someone hurts them self, tries to take their own life or does, but who knows what that really looks like, can imagine what it really feels like (or thinks like) inside that persons head to want to do those things. I did the things below to myself. I’ve done worse but no camera phones then. I took these to remind myself where I was then (these are about 5 years ago), in the hope that I wouldn’t be there again. But I’ve never shared them. Some people have seen the scars. But have they seen the pain which causes them? I’ve done this at really low moments. Times when I can’t feel anything, when I can’t work out how to express how I feel, times when nothing in the world seems to make sense and I have no one talk it over with. Times when I've been really lonely. Can you imagine the pain in your head to hold a knife against your arm and cut, to hold a scalding hot iron against your leg for as long as you can manage and then feel relief afterwards. This is what mental illness can do. And it can do a lot worse. Images follow - please don't read on if this will affect you negatively. In the Caroline flack documentary they talked about her caring so much what people thought about her.
I understand that. It’s sometimes called being over sensitive. But it’s not a conscious choice. You don’t choose to be badly hurt by the smallest slight, by someone choosing the wrong words, by someone not being in touch. You just are, and if your mind is wired that way you can quickly spiral downwards about even the smallest things which to those without mental illness it would not affect. Kinda like the same way someone with lung disease would struggle more than someone without. It’s still easier to understand when it’s a physical illness. To really make the giant steps we need to break the stigma around mental illness we need to expose what it does to people. And really expose it. Not shy away from it. We’ve all seen pictures on cigarette packets of what smoking does to your lungs so why don’t we see what mental illness can do to your body. It might be hard to see, you might not want to see it, but if you really knew what mental illness was doing to your friend, your relative, your partner would you want to help them stop. Would you reach out and call them. I think you would. I hope you would. MIND has some excellent pages on self harm if you want to understand more Take Care Paul
1 Comment
Another very brave and honest post Paul. Many years ago when I was desperately unhappy and married to my abusive first husband -and of course with all the Catholic guilt rubbish, was too ashamed to leave - I used to cut my arms. I also took an overdose and had to have a gastric lavage (horrible). I don’t think I actually wanted to die - I just wanted the pain and shame to stop. It’s an awful place to be - so grateful that I found the strength to leave and my life is no longer like that. X
Reply
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorMr Paul Wyse Archives
January 2021
|