And that's it really. If you want to change you can. It's possible, it's within you.
Be who you want to be, be who you deserve to be. Be happy. Make people happy.
I wrapped my kids Christmas presents last night and have an aching back now from sitting cross legged for such a long time. I'm not sure yoga is going to be a 2018 resolution.
They have a ridiculous number of presents from me.
And that’s because I have a little problem. I like giving gifts. I might be an over giver.
In the past it’s been based on self-esteem, which many have been for me and a twisted fear of people not liking me for who I am, and feeling like I need to be the best person I can be.
It’s been based around trying to be perfect.
It’s based around finding it soooooo bloody hard to say no to people’s requests for my time, to my need to see something I think someone will like and buy it.
And whilst it can be nice, I recognise that it can also be over the top.
It’s something I’m working on tempering.
I know people like me. I know some people love me,
I know I can’t be perfect, that it’s not actually possible and striving to be so does me no good.
And I know I can say no.
But I am thoughtful, it’s just who I am. I like, no love, making other people happy.
Being thoughtful is good, it’s nice, it’s a lovely quality.
It doesn’t define me, but it’s part of me. And whilst it can of course make me feel good, it’s not why I do it.
I recognise how the tendency to over giving can result from depressive thinking and how it could make my mood down. It has been easy for me in the past to think “I will be a better person and you will love me more if I give this to you”.
But now I am thinking “I love you and feel loved by you, and therefore, I will give this to you”.
There’s a big difference. I give because I want to, not because I need something back.
So if you’re ‘lucky’ enough to get a gift from me it will be thoughtful, might have been agonised over and I will have put a lot of care into choosing it, or in some cases making it.
When I want you to have a happy Christmas or a happy birthday, or just a happy Tuesday because it should be then I really mean it.
It makes me happy to make you happy.
So we’re all happy then. And that’s good isn't it.
Take Care Paul
It's the time of year when it's really important to reach out, to reach out if you're struggling, to reach out to anyone you know who might be struggling, just reach out. There are people out there who will listen, there are people out there who really need to be listened to. Reach out and listen, or reach out and talk.
If you're struggling to think of a present for a friend, maybe just give them a call, speak, don't text, See how they are. It can be the best present you could give them.
And if you're struggling with having a wonderful christmas time, keep going, reach out if you need to, be brave, you're doing great. Christmas is just another day, good day or bad, it's just a day, get through it.
Me, I'll be spending Christmas Eve evening and Christmas Day evening on my own. I'll see my kids Christmas day so that's good. I'm ok being on my own, I could go to other places, it'll be weird, but it's just another evening and I'll probably watch It's a Wonderful Life and try and lasso the moon.
I know people care for me and love me, I might be physically alone, but I'm not alone.
And people care for you and love you too. And you're not alone either.
You're amazing, you're unique, you're special.
Try and have a good Christmas, just keep going, just keep other people going.
I've been thinking a lot over the last week about trying to be a better me, or maybe more accurately the best me I can be.
It's involved a lot of soul searching, some uncomfortable conversations with myself about some things I do and ways I act that don't get me what I want and some admissions (again to myself) that I need to change some things, or else things won't change.
It's led to some more thought about whether you should change who you are, or just be comfortable with it, but when anxiety and depression has had an impact on your life and altered you, albeit probably temporarily then why wouldn't you want to change?
If I got really (more) overweight and (more) unfit I would want to change.
If my back started aching loads because my 'core' - whatever that is - wasn't strong I'd do something about it.
If my teeth went really sensitive I'd buy some special toothpaste.
So if your mind is preventing you doing what you want, or hurting you then you need to do something about it, if you want to of course.
Unfortunately the motivation to change and take that first step does not create itself, it doesn't suddenly rain motivation. It's more likely to rain men, but that's not really relevant,
So be the change you want to be.
If you want to change, then change. Get help from where you need it. Make a plan. Take the first step. Start walking towards the life you want.
Be the best you that you can be.
I've started exercising every day, I've lost weight, I feel better, more confident, braver, stronger, I've bought some more clothes (including a top I was told looks far too young for me today but I don't care - you can judge for yourself).
Mr Paul Wyse