Not many posts recently so I must have been feeling better, but now it's my birthday week and if there is one thing that always triggers me it's my birthday.
I wrote about this last year and little has changed, so don't feel obliged to read on. One difference is I have new colleagues so new people saying 'ohh what do you have planned' and 'is it a big one' (which is a little inappropriate to ask at work in my view but maybe they mean my age). So yes, it is a big one. Tomorrow I will be 50. And I hate it. Because this is how my mind thinks:
It's fucking horrible. It's the talk and thought of someone with such low self esteem, with low confidence, with high expectations, with a need to please people, with a driver for everything to be perfect. But also of someone who is smart enough and emotionally intelligent enough to know a lot of this talk and though is rubbish but still does it anyway, and he gets annoyed with himself about that. Tomorrow I will open some cards and presents and be grateful, but will not feel like I deserve them, will beat myself up about how down I am feeling and how I am not happier. Will reflect on another year and I'm no closer to the life I think I should be having. Birthdays are like a performance review, and mine isn't what it should be, I try so hard but it isn't ever good enough. It will not be a happy birthday, I will not celebrate, no wishes will be made...........
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AuthorMr Paul Wyse Archives
January 2021
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