I’m feeling really burnt out at the moment. I’d like to stop. But I don’t feel that I can. Part of the problem is that I’m working two jobs. Two bosses. Two laptops. Two lots of different teams notifications. But only one work week.
It’s really hard. I feel like I’m letting both sides down at the moment. I’m too tired to work harder or longer. I’m also undervalued at work. Not in words but in both status and financial reward. This is not helping because I cannot understand why what I do is not valued as highly as some colleagues. So to add to the feelings of exhaustion I have a general sense of frustration. I multi task in every teams meeting. One of the few advantages of having three computer screens on the go at all times. My brain has so many tabs open. I’m flipping from one job to the next over the space of ten mins. Take that hat off, put this one on. Have you got a quick minute. Refocus your brain on another job. Come straight out of one meeting about one thing with no time to process, to reset or even to turn the kettle on, and straight into a different subject. Perform to the same high standard, think on the spot, be agile, deliver deliver deliver. I’m struggling to contain the depression. A general lack of motivation and energy making it hard to do, and easier to just lay on the sofa, Netflix my constant companion. I haven’t cut myself for years but the last week it’s been on my mind again. Something to focus on. Something to block out the chatter in my head. Something real. Something to turn the emotional pain into physical. And I’m also feeling so so lonely. Conversations only on screens. The phone never rings. Any contact is just through typed words. Missing a hug. These are the times when I feel most useless, most unloved, most unimportant, most insignificant. Actions speak louder than words. Especially typed ones. Covid has adjusted how much human contact many of us get. And it’s not healthy. So please call your mates. Or even better go see them. Some of them might not have spoken to someone in real life today. Their only conversation might have just been a work one. They might feel lonely. And hopeless. And in need.
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AuthorMr Paul Wyse Archives
January 2021
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