It’s my birthday today (well not today, actually 2 weeks ago), which I’ve only just found out was also Robin Williams birthday. I despise my birthday. It makes my sad mind reflect on how lonely and shit I feel (or more accurately think) my life is. I also hate getting older and why the birthday card industry seems to specialise in ‘hilarious’ you’re so old cards is beyond me. I know deep down there are many good things in my life but my overwhelming thought pattern is not to see or acknowledge these. It is just how my mind is wired. I do things to try and change it but it is not as simple as ‘just thinking positive’ or ‘looking on the bright side’ or unfortunately ‘having a Happy birthday’.
I appreciate good wishes. I really do. And I’m not posting this looking for any acknowledgement, sympathy or support, I just wanted to get it out of my mind. Because that helps me. I feel immense pressure to have a great day today. To be happy. To be full of the birthday spirit. I feel anything but and the expectation makes me feel more of a failure than I already do. I would rather stay in bed till the day is over. That is my reality on birthdays and I hate it. I hate the feeling and I hate not feeling appreciative of good wishes. I’ve seen my boys today and Nat is doing a great job at doing nice things. But I just hate birthdays. It’s that simple. Because I don’t particularly like or value myself so being able to feel that it is ‘my day’ that I deserve cards, gifts or even good wishes is really really hard. Isolating doesn’t make it easier. But I’d still feel like this whether we were or not. This is what depression feels like for me. And for some reason it is magnified even more on birthdays and Christmas when the norm is to be happier. I wish it wasn’t. I really do. But that’s how it is. And it’s shit and exhausting. Is it ok to be not ok. On this day? (Don’t answer that) Take Care Paul
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AuthorMr Paul Wyse Archives
January 2021
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