I just got some negative feedback, just a little bit, vastly outweighed by all the positive feedback or no feedback at all I've got this week.
It crushed me instantly and I had to try hard not to cry. My chest has been tight, I'm all jittery and I'm now spending the next 3 days alone just with my thoughts catastrophising about what a shit horrible person I am. I got told not to worry about it by the person giving the feedback. I will obviously, a lot, too much, blowing it out of all proportion. My immediate thought went to hurting myself. I've not felt like that for ages. I didn't which is good, but the thought hasn't gone away yet, hence writing to try and calm it down. I went for a walk with the dog in the sun too, it helped a little. I don't understand how my brain works and filters anything positive straight out the other ear and clings so desperately to any negativity. How can I have such low self confidence and self esteem? I stood up earlier this week and presented to 100 people, so my work persona has no issues with his confidence and esteem, but the Paul behind that mask is crushed by the slightest comment. I feel sick now, writing this, admitting how weak I am, how vulnerable I am, how much I get hurt. It tears away at the person I thought I was and replaces him with a scared. vulnerable and useless shell. I just want a hug and for someone to tell me it will be ok.
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AuthorMr Paul Wyse Archives
January 2021
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